This is Messed Up!Blog April 7, 2023
The other day I had a nice walk at Fuller Farm in Scarborough with my friend Lindsey who is a very good listener. She asked me how I was feeling with the Kili trek behind me. It was nice taking a moment to reflect on that question since the training and anticipation had occupied my brain for over a year and I now have space to think about what was invested in such an endeavor. After a second, I answered that the hardest part was no longer having a goal to work toward. We delved into that a bit and what bubbled up for me was the fact that I wasn’t working out as hard or as much as I had been with Kili in front of me and I was feeling sluggish and bad about that. We delved in even deeper (she’s not only a good listener, but also adept at questioning) and I realized that without working out I was worried about gaining weight and feeling unhappy with my body. Our conversation came on the tail end of me being slammed by the norovirus (it actually took me a full week to feel well after being sick) and this is messed up, but after a day of throwing up and three days of not eating, I thought to myself, well, I’m happy that I lost a few ponds. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!
Later, I shared this insane thought with another friend of mine and she said that an acquaintance of hers said once said, “I’m only one flu away from my favorite jeans.”
How many of us are walking around thinking about the size of our bodies (our stomachs, our hips, our thighs…) and wishing they were less lumpy, flabby, and jiggly? Crazy that I enjoyed the end result of a really shitty stomach bug because the number on the scale dropped a few points. I know that our cultural messaging is inescapable, but I want to get to a place where I’m thrilled and appreciative that I have a body that does what I want it to do – it’s strong, it’s limber, and it has carried me to some wonderful places and will continue taking me on amazing adventures. What’s the path to body acceptance? And what’s the path to accepting a little laziness break? (Maybe not use the word lazy?) These are two opportunities for growth in my life. As I was writing this, I decided that I’m going to try and not judge myself for having these thoughts, but instead I’ll work on being curious about them. I’m hoping that with more good and insightful conversations with Lindsey and other friends, I’ll figure out how to get to the other side.
Let me know if you struggle with these issues and how you manage it. Let’s share some tools.